Afraid to try

I know I am capable of more than most. So why am I so afraid to try?

There is hardly a text I cannot understand. And yet I waste my time reading Twitter or watching the news.

I am a gifted public speaker. Yet I stopped doing it once I left ministry.

I am a natural teacher and leader. But I spend my days asking, “what can I do to be helpful?” in the shipping department of an engineering company.

What am I afraid of?

I know that I am petrified of choosing something definite—I always have been. I’m not perceptive or honest enough to know why. Is it that I fear there is always a better choice?

What if I were to accept that all such choices are inconsequential? That is, any given choice will suffice as long as it is seen through as far as we can go.

Perhaps I am afraid of failure. Yet I have failed so many times.

I just want to produce something beautiful. I am listening to Ulver’s first album. It is magisterial. What fears did they have to overcome before recording it?

Time is short.

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